I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
