you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
