The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize