Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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