i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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