i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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