I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
