I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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