Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
