Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
