Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
