are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well I just put wine in my tea
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
