I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
