I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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