I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So squirting runs in the family.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
