Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
