So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
