the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
