my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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