No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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