he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
