Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize