I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
