Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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