1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
