Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
