how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
