i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
