Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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