It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
