How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize