Apparently you make a good broom.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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