i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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