My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
