Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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