I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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