I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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