he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
