Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My cat gives me a boner
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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