I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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