Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
