I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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