This is not my ceiling
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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