dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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