i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
