I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
