so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
