with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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