Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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