I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
