I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Gay?
German.
Pity.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
