so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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