Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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