he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
