I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
