JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
