Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
