I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
